I struggled with low self-esteem,insecurities and self hate for most of my late childhood and all through my teenage years. I grew up hating every bit of my body.
This was simply because of what people around me had told me. While my parents and aunt filled with positive words about how beautiful I am,I went back to the play ground to receive words of hate and negativity from my neighbors and playmates.
This affected how I saw myself for many years. I always felt I was not good enough for the love and things my parents showered me with,because I thought I was not beautiful. I always felt I was ugly and I was not good enough so I had to work extra hard and go the extra mile so people could love me,accept me and call me “beautiful.”
Desperately,I needed to hear people call me beautiful but when they did,I never believed them. I would feel like they were just pulling my legs or saying it to insult me or flatter me. When I was between age 14-16, I started getting date and relationship offers from guys and this really made me start to wonder. Why were these guys calling me beautiful and asking me to date them? Why not my bullies and playmates who I thought were way more beautiful than me and deserved the best relationships and not me? Your guess is as good as mine. I was beautiful indeed and in truth and in every aspect contrary to what they had said.
Years and years of negativity, hate words,body shaming and bullying began to play over my mind leading me to accept those date offers so I could ‘belong’ and at least feel loved and beautiful.
Accepting those date offers never made me love and accept myself. I still hated how I looked and felt insecure about my body. My mind would play to me over and over again the track record of hate words my neighbors and childhood playmates had filled me with.
I hated myself and with that,it was impossible to do much because a lot of issues and situations in life require you to believe in yourself and love yourself. You can’t believe in yourself if you don’t love yourself.
This story is not fiction fam,it is my true life story and I’m sharing it here because I trust it would bless you and help you overcome insecurities in 2019. You can’t go far in life if you have low self-esteem,if you are insecure about your body or if you hate how you look.
How You Can Overcome Self hate,Low self-esteem and Conquer Insecurities:
Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy. It is also lack of confidence or doubt in one’s physical appearance,abilities and capabilities. Insecure people often suffer from anxiety and uncertainty. It is often associated with words like: ‘ I’m not good enough .’
1. Face yourself – You need to come to terms with the fact that you are insecure before you can deal with it. There are different areas of insecurity. However, I may mostly talk about insecurity as it relates to looks and physical appearance.
It is necessary for you to locate what areas you feel insecure. Is it in your relationship,academics,job,career or physical appearance? You need to locate that area before anything can be done to deal with it.
2.Talk therapy – The talk therapy is what I call confiding in someone you trust and are led to speak with about your challenges and struggles. This could be anyone as long as you have peace with that person. I first shared my struggle with low self-esteem,self hate and insecurity with some ladies at Gist With Tina (GWT). GWT is a platform slated for ladies who have no way to express their hurts and pains. Ladies who have one experience or the other can share their challenges and find solutions to them.
I attended a hang out organised by the convener and there I poured my heart. They ladies comforted me and showed me ways I could win the war against insecurity and self hate. I encourage you to seek out someone you trust and tell them about your struggle with insecurity.
3. Fight back with words – Insecurity and self hate usually start with words. It starts with an unkind comment here or there or sometimes,people’s attitudes towards to us. I will repeat the exact words one of the speakers at GWT told me. She said ‘With words you have been broken down and with words you must begin to fight and build again.”
Words are seeds and if you let the bad ones germinate,they might grow into big trees of self hate and insecurity.
Never let anyone pull you down with an unkind comment. I don’t mean you should get into an argument with anyone,but you should never let anyone speak downgrading words to you and get away with it. For instance,if someone says ‘you are too fat,it doesn’t make you beautiful’ or ‘see your big/bulgy eyes .’ Kindly reply with something like this: ‘I love my weight right now and I’m beautiful just the way I am‘ or ‘I love my eyes so much,it is one of my favorite parts of my body/face .’ You should be able to take constructive criticism and also be able to discern when someone is trying to make you feel insecure.
Sometimes,the critic is negative thoughts. You need to fight back by talking(not thinking) back to the inner critic.
4. Work on yourself – A sure proof way of dealing with insecurities is working on yourself. For instance, if you are insecure about your physical appearance, you need to spend time working on those areas of your body that make you feel insecure. You can do this by highlighting your strengths and locating a way of cooperating with the inevitable(the inevitable are some things you cannot change like the shape of your legs,the shape of your nose etc).
You can read books,hire coaches,watch webinars etc. Instead of killing yourself with hate and low self-esteem,learn how to work with what you already have. Work on yourself,take care of yourself and do all you can to be better than you were yesterday.
The more you spend time working on yourself,the greater your chances of loving yourself and dealing with insecurities.
5. Highlight your strengths – Some of the people we love and admire today work with this simple rule:they highlight and project their strengths.
For example: I have an hour glass figure. Projecting my strengths would mean wearing figure flattering outfits like body con dresses to showcase some of the greatest strengths I have which is my figure. Wearing outfits like the African bubu dresses would hide how beautiful I look. It is the same with life and self-esteem. Work on those gifts,talents and passion you possess and project them to the world.
6. Don’t live your life to please others – The quickest way to break down with insecurity in 2019 is by living your life to please others or by living your life in a particular way so others would accept and love you. The phrase: You can’t please people sounds cliche but its the truth. Not everyone would like you and that’s totally okay! Don’t feel bad about yourself simply because others don’t love and accept you. Fill yourself with so much love for yourself and just like a magnet,you will begin to attract people who love and value you.
7. Strive to be excellent not perfect – Perfectionism breeds insecurity. It makes you think if you are not perfect then you are not good enough which is not true! You can never be 100% perfect all the time and things won’t always go as planned but putting in the excellent work is one of the best things you can do. Don’t strive to be perfect,strive to be excellent.
8. Your relationships – I grew up hating myself because of the words my neighbors and playmates had filled me with. They were part of the people I had formed relationships and spent most of my time with. If I had separated myself from them earlier, perhaps I would not have struggled with insecurity.
Dear growing woman,you need to separate yourself from those people who speak unkind words to you or whose attitudes make you feel insecure about yourself.
Any friend or boyfriend that ‘jokingly’ calls you ugly needs to be called to order or separated from. Tell them you don’t like what they say or how they act towards you. They may apologize and adjust their behavior towards you but if they don’t, I advise you separate yourself from them in order to help you deal with insecurities in 2019.
To end this post, I would like to tell you never to let insecurities cripple you in 2019! Go and become the best version of yourself without looking back! You are amazing and the world deserves a feel of your awesomeness so don’t you dare disappoint them!
I shared over 10 tips and motivation on how you can overcome self hate with my 21 days #selflovechallengeng on Instagram. Click here to read and comment.
Did you enjoy reading this post? How would you deal with insecurities in 2019? Please let me know by leaving a comment below. Thank you.